Am I too hard on the boy?

[OakAshandThorn]

I don't think you're being too hard...you shouldn't have to do everything for him, and he needs to learn to take care of himself - it's called being a responsible adult. Sure, no one likes to do chores, but not everything in life is handed down to you on a silver platter.

[FishyFolk]

One day he will thank you for this and you will both have a chuckle about it. It may be a few years down the road though.

I was equally tough on my kids when they 'lost their way'. Now they are all well adjusted and successful in their fields. Stick with it Rune!

Perhaps we will. But this one is the one that will give me gray hair. His older brother never pulls stunts like this if you ask him nicely, instead of ordering him around. Oh he will take his time getting started, but by the end of the day it gets done :-)

But the 16 year old...will only do his bit under constant supervision. Turn your back from him for an instant and he is gone...and that really has me going. Have had to count to ten...or a hundred more than once a day with that one...lol

[TheDaddy187]

what i would do, if this is a constant problem, is the favour for a favour approach...

he wants a lift, you want the washing up done...
he wants internet, you want the shed cleaned out ect...

kids nowdays think everything comes for free... the sooner they learn this the quicker they reach maturity...

as a child, i was never given pocket money, instead i had to earn money for things i wanted by doing jobs around the house...
if i was naughty, i was punnished... (a slap through to being confined to my bedroom depending on the severity)
i have not turned out so bad...

the law here now has made smacking illegal... i will break this law if the need arises (not a very common thing if im honest)

infact in my sons 9 years i have smacked him twice...

once when he was about 6 he slapped me hard around the face, so i did it back... suffice to say he now realises that it hurts and has never done it since...

but then when he is good he gets rewarded with things he wants...

[FishyFolk]

I do not believe in physical punishment at all...and only once have I ever hinted I would do so. It was back when the lad we are talkinga bout was 12, and I cam home to find burnt out matches all over the kitchen table next to a plate full of the same. It was clear he had been playing with fire, inside. I told him quite clearly what would happen if he ever did that again. He tried his mom for support, and she told him the only reason I am not slapping you up right here an now is that Rune (thats me) would not allow me to...he has never done that again :-)


Anyway what really works is a united front, and no confusion on where the line is, and what happens when it is crossed.

But again, I see no need to to slap up kids as a way of correcting them.

[FishyFolk]

what i would do, if this is a constant problem, is the favour for a favour approach...

he wants a lift, you want the washing up done...
he wants internet, you want the shed cleaned out ect...

kids nowdays think everything comes for free... the sooner they learn this the quicker they reach maturity...

Agree on this. But it takes a while for it to sink in with this one. He just withdraws to his room, and goes to sleep. But tomorrow it will start to get boring for him, hehe

[Ichneumon]

He tried his mom for support, and she told him the only reason I am not slapping you up right here an now is that Rune (thats me) would not allow me to...he has never done that again :-)

A united front is essential, if one partner turns soft on the boy you're lost. As a single parent I had an easy time of this - they could not try to use mum to get around me. If you back down now he'll know that you'll back down next time. You are obviously soft-hearted, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread, but what you are doing is really a kindness and you should think of it in that way. His first boss won't be so sympathetic!

[laika]

I do not believe in physical punishment at all...and only once have I ever hinted I would do so. It was back when the lad we are talkinga bout was 12, and I cam home to find burnt out matches all over the kitchen table next to a plate full of the same. It was clear he had been playing with fire, inside. I told him quite clearly what would happen if he ever did that again. He tried his mom for support, and she told him the only reason I am not slapping you up right here an now is that Rune (thats me) would not allow me to...he has never done that again :-)


Anyway what really works is a united front, and no confusion on where the line is, and what happens when it is crossed.

But again, I see no need to to slap up kids as a way of correcting them.

Punishment never works - what you're doing is negative reinforcement which does work. The difference seems trivial but is critical - punishment is the administration of an adverse condition as a consequence of an undesired behaviour, negative reinforcement is the removal of a desired condition until such time as an undesired behaviour is ceased. The problem with punishment is that it tells the organism (kid/animal) what not to do but gives no guidance as to what should be done. If you systematically punish an animal or human it will eventually resort to a state known as learned helplessness and exhibit anxiety and depressive behaviour due to its uncertainty as to what to do (hence the need for a 'united front'). Negative reinforcement, on the other hand, directs the organism to the desired behaviour. Similarly, positive reinforcement (the introduction of desired conditions upon the incidence of desired behaviour) will also work effectively and may be worth considering once he's finished his al fresco dining and decided to do his chores...... Either way, no, definitely not too hard and you're right - no need, nor point, in physical punishment. Hope this helps......

[FishyFolk]

He broke about half hour ago, and is now busy cleaning up 4 days worth of mess in the kitchen, while I have ordered pizza for the family.

Think I'll just let him do what he does without any more interference from me...

He thought he could spend the whole day in bed, but that got boring without phone, android pad, laptop computer etc.
And when the lights came on, and duvet was confiscated + his four year old brother was sent in to terrorize him, while I ordered Pizza, while making sure he knew he was not having any (you know where the barbecue, just put warm clothes in, its cold outside) he broke. I'll grant him one thing he is stubborn. :-)

[FishyFolk]

Ha ha, I am luaghing my rear end off. he has cleaned the kitchen, and is now standing in the yard with a grin on his face, grilling up som hot dogs and a burger, saying he don't wan't my Pizza!

:-)

Cheeky little runt he is! LOL

Looks like he broke me!

[laika]

Modifying behaviour is somewhat more straightforward than modifying attitude........